Facebook is just a place for you to see the people you've known throughout your life and realize that there were so many different routes your life could've turned down. Then comes the 'would I have done things differently?' and from that it kinda stems the question of 'where am I now?'. If you compare where you want to be, and where you are you don't get anywhere, but it's so hard not to see the picture we were all forced to paint for ourselves in school before we actually got a chance to get out in the world and realize that things don't ever go as planned.
It's so hard to realize what you have at the very exact moment you have it. You never realize the full extent of it's impactin your life until it's gone. Even an option. The moment it's gone, you begin to think about all the different ways that you could've gone about chosing it, and from there been in a completely different moment than the one you're in at the moment.
Through the past couple weeks, I've been trying to teach myself how to become less materialistic. I am not the books I have, I am not the clothes I wear. I am my thoughts, my opinions, my voice. Not my bank account. Not my credit score. However, in this first world country, in this capitalist society it is SO hard to get away from that. More and more I find myself wanting to run away from it all. Where would I go though? I don't know yet. It's so hard being at this part of my life. Especially since I have things I 'should' be doing, or so society tells me. I'm tired of the monotony of society telling me what I should and should not do! My life is my own, right?
Maybe this is what growing up is. Always doubting myself, never feeling like I'm doing the right move. Do other 'adults' feel like this? No one taught you what to do if this happened in your life. There are no true instructional books. There aren't even guidelines. There are other people's accounts of what has been working for them, maybe that's what we need to open ourselves into accepting. The suggestion, the trials and tribulations of our friends and like minded kindred spirits. Suss them out and value their opinion. Rather than look to what society tells you.
It's pretty easy to blame a lot of things on the way society runs. I think I need to take some of the blame myself. One could say that it's clearly society's influence on me that pushed me into making these decisions, but if I want to look away from society, I need to stop blaming my problems on it too.
But will accepting those problems going to make things better or worse? I am not a strong person. Pretty passive, I may talk big, and laugh loud, but I'd rather not deal with serious confrontation. Will accepting the fault make me withdraw further? How do I convince myself that it's my problem when I want to blame it on someone else?
There are so many other things going through my mind. I want to think more about the way my life should go, or the way that I think it should go, but I'm also trying to accept where it is, and enjoy that without putting too many expectations on the future. I want to believe in some type of spiritual connection. I know I do not believe in a God, or Goddess. Some ultimate higher being, but I believe that there is something connecting every single person in this world. That inside of all of us there is a soul. It's hard to dive into topics like these and talk about them with people when the subject of religion is so taboo! I LOVE talking about religious belief's. Sometimes I even find myself jealous of the beauty that other's devotion to their belief is. Obviously there will be ridiculousness in every sector of life, I don't mean some crazies like the Westboro Baptist Church, but the individual person and their love of whatever it is.
I just... I don't want to be quiet anymore! I want to talk about the big questions. I want to THINK, I want to BE. I don't want to talk about who said what, and who did what. I want to BE. I want to find out more about myself and my friends, and even my enemies. I want to know why people think a certain way, and I want to know what it means to them. I want to love life because it is beautiful.
I want to be alive, experience life, and just BE.
I want the thirst and passion for life that I imagine I should have, especially with such a long winded post about it.
I find myself saying the same thing exactly. I'm starting to think more people believe this but they don't want to admit it. If they do it is as if they are saying they have a 'problem.' If they do that then society says you need to do something to fix it. Like what?
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