First of all I'd like to give my love to Anne of Green Gables, especially the movies from 1985 & 1987. They're not the child Anne specifically, and instead they focus on a teenage Anne. I thought the actress Megan Follows was amazing playing Anne. Both as a teenager, and as an adult. If ever you come across the movie (on youtube) I strongly suggest watching it.
Second of all, I wanted to tell this blog about the big shadow in the room. The one looming over everyone and lacing everything with awesomeness. I have a mood disorder. Dysthymia, it's a chronic mood disorder and at the moment I'm fighting with doctors to get it seen and get help with. I saw doctors in September, and this isn't a self-diagnosis. While the idea of them just slapping a name on it had seemed beneficial in the beginning, the fact that this Health System has done nothing to help me since is pretty discouraging. There is a long story about how Dysthymia has affected me, maybe one day I'll dedicate an entry about it. I would like to help others like myself, even if I can't even help myself. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do in life? Fight for mood disorders.
All of society looks at mood disorders so pathetically. A person with depression who can't even get out of bed - even with medication - calling into work has to make up a lie, otherwise if they told their coworkers it would be like 'calling in sad today'. It's an invisible illness that affects everything. It's an illness no one can physically see, and therefore can't really understand unless they've been in the same situation. Sure empathy and sympathy go a long way, and perhaps that's all a person needs, but true understanding comes with a terrible price. To understand means that someone has felt the ultimate and constant low of this disorder, and while that bonds us together forever in a sort of comrade in arms union, it also makes me sad. So very sad. Because no one should ever feel this seemingly endless pain. Even now, there are some who might read this and balk at my melodramatic writing. I don't blame you at all for it. In fact it's pretty easy to dismiss this all as some self-involved twenty-something's whining of the day. Absolutely reasonable too. In fact I still try to wrestle my thoughts apart. Trying to figure out if they're just my own selfish dreams, or if that is the disorder corrupting me. Because of this constant fight with the medical system, which has been going on for the better part of a full year and a half now - I have yet to figure out what thoughts are what.
Fighting the health board is hard. Doctors are swamped with needing patients. There are doctors who truly care, there are ones who never have, and then there are the ones who did but simply can't muster the strength to care anymore. When those authority figures are constantly playing phone tag with you, running you around in circles, making you so confused you don't know which way is up - it gets harder.
This was clearly a longer second thought than the first one. At this moment now, I am still considering erasing this and just talking about idle chattings about this or that. I'm kind of scared. While I haven't exactly been hiding my own issues with health, I haven't exactly been forthcoming about it either. Embarrassment, and a bit of being ashamed. Which is ridiculous... yet still persistent nevertheless.
It's still kind of funny how different today and yesterday's entries are. They still came from one song though.
I sometimes feel that my depression is just me being spoilt. I always thought that was what it was when I was in highschool, I was just an angsty teen who chucked rages when she didn't get her own way.
ReplyDeleteEven now, after everything that has happened this year, I still sometimes feel it's just a lame excuse. The medication doesn't lie though, and I find myself lsipping without it. With it I'm an amazing supermum. Without it, I'm just that angsty teenager again.
I don't know exactly the effcts of your mood disorder, but you need to remember that it's chemicals in our brains that don't work. I'm glad you're looking for help though instead of dismissing it. I really hope that it all comes together real soon.
"Come together.. right now..." ;D