I haven't been doing too many blog posts simply cause there hasn't been much to report. Even though that's kind of a lie. This week has been pretty big for me. I'm starting driving lessons this week, and I'm actually getting help for my dysthymia! This is just a big change in my life, and I am really happy about it. See that... Happy. A five letter word I rarely ever actually feel! But I feel it now, and boy I think it's not just cause of that, but damn well it's cause of music. Fuck yeah, it's cause of music!
Bif Naked's I Love Myself Today
I'm lookin' in the mirror and I like what I see:
I've lost the fear & the horror that's been eating at me
'Cause being with you is like a hangman's noose
I was living my life in dead man's shoes
I've had enough. Made up my mind
I'm gonna get up and out and wahhh!
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
I'm going to play it TWICE every day. Once in the morning when I wake up to get me ready for the day, and at night to make me pumped up that I had an awesome day. I also don't really consider the idea of 'being with you was like a hangman's noose' as being with a boy but rather my attitude, my beliefs, my sadness, the dark part of me that I know will always be with me, but needs to be ignored more often!
It's pumped me up, and I think it gave me the epiphany! THE epiphany. The one that I've kind of been waiting for. I don't know where this is going to take me, and I don't know how long it's going to last, but fuck it, I'M HAPPY!
TIME FOR SLEEP SO I CAN BE AWAKE AT A STUPID HOUR IN THE MORNING FOR IN CLASS DRIVING LESSONS.
(no one was high in the making of this post, i swear)
Friday, January 14, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
stop crying your heart out
I've actually been working on this for about a half hour. Two different entries have come to my mind. I'm kind of going off the handle right here so bear with me please.
First of all I'd like to give my love to Anne of Green Gables, especially the movies from 1985 & 1987. They're not the child Anne specifically, and instead they focus on a teenage Anne. I thought the actress Megan Follows was amazing playing Anne. Both as a teenager, and as an adult. If ever you come across the movie (on youtube) I strongly suggest watching it.
Second of all, I wanted to tell this blog about the big shadow in the room. The one looming over everyone and lacing everything with awesomeness. I have a mood disorder. Dysthymia, it's a chronic mood disorder and at the moment I'm fighting with doctors to get it seen and get help with. I saw doctors in September, and this isn't a self-diagnosis. While the idea of them just slapping a name on it had seemed beneficial in the beginning, the fact that this Health System has done nothing to help me since is pretty discouraging. There is a long story about how Dysthymia has affected me, maybe one day I'll dedicate an entry about it. I would like to help others like myself, even if I can't even help myself. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do in life? Fight for mood disorders.
All of society looks at mood disorders so pathetically. A person with depression who can't even get out of bed - even with medication - calling into work has to make up a lie, otherwise if they told their coworkers it would be like 'calling in sad today'. It's an invisible illness that affects everything. It's an illness no one can physically see, and therefore can't really understand unless they've been in the same situation. Sure empathy and sympathy go a long way, and perhaps that's all a person needs, but true understanding comes with a terrible price. To understand means that someone has felt the ultimate and constant low of this disorder, and while that bonds us together forever in a sort of comrade in arms union, it also makes me sad. So very sad. Because no one should ever feel this seemingly endless pain. Even now, there are some who might read this and balk at my melodramatic writing. I don't blame you at all for it. In fact it's pretty easy to dismiss this all as some self-involved twenty-something's whining of the day. Absolutely reasonable too. In fact I still try to wrestle my thoughts apart. Trying to figure out if they're just my own selfish dreams, or if that is the disorder corrupting me. Because of this constant fight with the medical system, which has been going on for the better part of a full year and a half now - I have yet to figure out what thoughts are what.
Fighting the health board is hard. Doctors are swamped with needing patients. There are doctors who truly care, there are ones who never have, and then there are the ones who did but simply can't muster the strength to care anymore. When those authority figures are constantly playing phone tag with you, running you around in circles, making you so confused you don't know which way is up - it gets harder.
This was clearly a longer second thought than the first one. At this moment now, I am still considering erasing this and just talking about idle chattings about this or that. I'm kind of scared. While I haven't exactly been hiding my own issues with health, I haven't exactly been forthcoming about it either. Embarrassment, and a bit of being ashamed. Which is ridiculous... yet still persistent nevertheless.
It's still kind of funny how different today and yesterday's entries are. They still came from one song though.
First of all I'd like to give my love to Anne of Green Gables, especially the movies from 1985 & 1987. They're not the child Anne specifically, and instead they focus on a teenage Anne. I thought the actress Megan Follows was amazing playing Anne. Both as a teenager, and as an adult. If ever you come across the movie (on youtube) I strongly suggest watching it.
Second of all, I wanted to tell this blog about the big shadow in the room. The one looming over everyone and lacing everything with awesomeness. I have a mood disorder. Dysthymia, it's a chronic mood disorder and at the moment I'm fighting with doctors to get it seen and get help with. I saw doctors in September, and this isn't a self-diagnosis. While the idea of them just slapping a name on it had seemed beneficial in the beginning, the fact that this Health System has done nothing to help me since is pretty discouraging. There is a long story about how Dysthymia has affected me, maybe one day I'll dedicate an entry about it. I would like to help others like myself, even if I can't even help myself. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do in life? Fight for mood disorders.
All of society looks at mood disorders so pathetically. A person with depression who can't even get out of bed - even with medication - calling into work has to make up a lie, otherwise if they told their coworkers it would be like 'calling in sad today'. It's an invisible illness that affects everything. It's an illness no one can physically see, and therefore can't really understand unless they've been in the same situation. Sure empathy and sympathy go a long way, and perhaps that's all a person needs, but true understanding comes with a terrible price. To understand means that someone has felt the ultimate and constant low of this disorder, and while that bonds us together forever in a sort of comrade in arms union, it also makes me sad. So very sad. Because no one should ever feel this seemingly endless pain. Even now, there are some who might read this and balk at my melodramatic writing. I don't blame you at all for it. In fact it's pretty easy to dismiss this all as some self-involved twenty-something's whining of the day. Absolutely reasonable too. In fact I still try to wrestle my thoughts apart. Trying to figure out if they're just my own selfish dreams, or if that is the disorder corrupting me. Because of this constant fight with the medical system, which has been going on for the better part of a full year and a half now - I have yet to figure out what thoughts are what.
Fighting the health board is hard. Doctors are swamped with needing patients. There are doctors who truly care, there are ones who never have, and then there are the ones who did but simply can't muster the strength to care anymore. When those authority figures are constantly playing phone tag with you, running you around in circles, making you so confused you don't know which way is up - it gets harder.
This was clearly a longer second thought than the first one. At this moment now, I am still considering erasing this and just talking about idle chattings about this or that. I'm kind of scared. While I haven't exactly been hiding my own issues with health, I haven't exactly been forthcoming about it either. Embarrassment, and a bit of being ashamed. Which is ridiculous... yet still persistent nevertheless.
It's still kind of funny how different today and yesterday's entries are. They still came from one song though.
Monday, January 3, 2011
all you need is love
Max California, Aricca, AriBeary, my 'cousin'. I love this woman forever. Known her for thousands of years it seems like now. She's been around since grade eight, and I think I am a better person for knowing her. She lives on the other side of the world, and I've never met her in person but we've had video-chats, long msn-conversations, and texts. I love the woman. Click here TO SEE HER FEATURED ON THE INTERWEBS. SHE'S FAMOUS.
Melissa. Missy, Mel, BITCH, my bfflz, my 'sister'. I'd like to think that in the past few months we've become closer than we ever were. Not to say that we weren't close. You accept all of my huge-flaws, and still come over and have dinner with me and my Poppa. You're the friend and sister everyone wishes they could have, and I'm so happy I do. :)
Sara! My Twin. JT lover. My dear friend. You scared the shit out of me when I first met you, it's amazing to now be your son's godmother. You make good babies. We've had one fight, and you're always there for me to listen to me, and just let me rant. I love listening to your ranting too.
Kristina. Kris-dash. You've always been an amazing support. Sure things may be pulling at us both and we may not be hanging out that much, I know that we're still going to be awesome friends forever.
Julie. I'd post your other Nicknames but they kind of involve your last name, and I don't want to do that. I'm glad that I went to college to now know you! We've got our club, and as lame as our club is, I think it works out for the both of us in the long run. You're a strong woman, and I respect you all the more for it. HAVE FUN IN CUBA THIS WEEK.
Not really a blog post, but kind of something to remind me to cherish what I have. I love these girls, and a bunch more. There are a few here that I didn't post simply cause I don't really have the drive to write anymore. Holly, Amelia, Jono, Sarahx2 (love you both), and so many more. Who knows if any of the mentioned above will even read this, but it really doesn't matter. I know they all understand and know how I love them.
Trying to take The Beatles into my heart and say 'LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED'. A simple concept, a hard application.
Melissa. Missy, Mel, BITCH, my bfflz, my 'sister'. I'd like to think that in the past few months we've become closer than we ever were. Not to say that we weren't close. You accept all of my huge-flaws, and still come over and have dinner with me and my Poppa. You're the friend and sister everyone wishes they could have, and I'm so happy I do. :)
Sara! My Twin. JT lover. My dear friend. You scared the shit out of me when I first met you, it's amazing to now be your son's godmother. You make good babies. We've had one fight, and you're always there for me to listen to me, and just let me rant. I love listening to your ranting too.
Kristina. Kris-dash. You've always been an amazing support. Sure things may be pulling at us both and we may not be hanging out that much, I know that we're still going to be awesome friends forever.
Julie. I'd post your other Nicknames but they kind of involve your last name, and I don't want to do that. I'm glad that I went to college to now know you! We've got our club, and as lame as our club is, I think it works out for the both of us in the long run. You're a strong woman, and I respect you all the more for it. HAVE FUN IN CUBA THIS WEEK.
Not really a blog post, but kind of something to remind me to cherish what I have. I love these girls, and a bunch more. There are a few here that I didn't post simply cause I don't really have the drive to write anymore. Holly, Amelia, Jono, Sarahx2 (love you both), and so many more. Who knows if any of the mentioned above will even read this, but it really doesn't matter. I know they all understand and know how I love them.
Trying to take The Beatles into my heart and say 'LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED'. A simple concept, a hard application.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
where were you when everything was falling apart
It's been really hard these past few weeks. Kinda tossed everything into a bowl, and I don't know how to put everything back together.
In the past while Christmas and New Years have both happened. Didn't do too much either time. Xmas Eve my friend came over and we made a big dinner for my Poppa, it was really actually pretty awesome.
We made Broccolli Cheese Soup, mashed potatos, corn, and roasted back bacon in ginger-ale.
For Christmas I went over to my parents and spent the day with them. Afterwards I went over to my godson's to go see him and make an appearance on his first Christmas. He's such a spoiled baby, he had so many toys.
From that nothing really momentous happened. New Years came and went without really causing a ruckus. I've never really cared for having a big NYE party or whatever. Melissa did drop by for a bit to ring in the year with me while we watched tv though. That was nice. :)
Today the beyotch came again. I see her more often than I did when I lived next door to her, it's awesome. We didn't do anything grand or for any big reason but we just made a roast dinner, and then played some Guitar Hero, and then some Super Nintendo. We're pretty gangster like that.
I try to keep myself busy, but I'm not really sure it's working. At the very least today with this blog-entry... Is the first time I've written anything since the 17th. I had written the memorial post to my Nana while she was in the hospital.
In the past while Christmas and New Years have both happened. Didn't do too much either time. Xmas Eve my friend came over and we made a big dinner for my Poppa, it was really actually pretty awesome.
We made Broccolli Cheese Soup, mashed potatos, corn, and roasted back bacon in ginger-ale.
For Christmas I went over to my parents and spent the day with them. Afterwards I went over to my godson's to go see him and make an appearance on his first Christmas. He's such a spoiled baby, he had so many toys.
From that nothing really momentous happened. New Years came and went without really causing a ruckus. I've never really cared for having a big NYE party or whatever. Melissa did drop by for a bit to ring in the year with me while we watched tv though. That was nice. :)
Today the beyotch came again. I see her more often than I did when I lived next door to her, it's awesome. We didn't do anything grand or for any big reason but we just made a roast dinner, and then played some Guitar Hero, and then some Super Nintendo. We're pretty gangster like that.
I try to keep myself busy, but I'm not really sure it's working. At the very least today with this blog-entry... Is the first time I've written anything since the 17th. I had written the memorial post to my Nana while she was in the hospital.
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