Life taking care of someone else is different. It's a big change, and it's a bit hard. I wish I could say it was cute like taking care of a baby too, but taking care of a loved one who is really sick, and used to take care of you it's just... hard. My nana was diagnosed with cancer this past February (2010), and she's been strong through it all. She had a knee operation last year too. She's an inspiration to me. But now that the cancer has spread it's getting harder. There are spots all over her lungs, her esophagus, liver, and then after the first round of chemotherapy they realized it'd spread to the brain. After radiation for the brain, they realized that the things in her chest grew. So when she gets through one major hurdle, she gets thrown another major hurdle. It's really hard. Most of the day she sits in her chair and just watches television. Finally we hooked the dvd player up to her tv so she can spend the day watching movies rather than poker. She really doesn't stay up for more than three hours at a time because of the radiation leaving her though. Then on top of the cancer, she's got arthritis and other health problems. To see someone who cared for me so much while I had a broken leg, or over the summers when my parents were at work, in so much discomfort and pain it hurts. Through the whole ordeal I've really only cried a good once. When we were told she had the cancer. I bawled my eyes out that day. You can't really afford to cry when you're around them so much.
I moved in a month and a bit ago to help my Poppa take care of her. I find myself doing more than just taking care of her though. I'm taking care of both of them. It's a big change in my life, and I don't think I've really come round to it all. I don't feel like I've moved out at all either. I just feel like I'm having a long sleep over at their house. Even though I've clearly made this room mine.
Through it all I've come to try and be strong, not for myself but for Nana. I know if she sees me sad she'll feel a bit more hopeless about her own situation. If I'm in a pissy mood it rubs off on my Poppa and then he gets all snitty with my nana. It's bloody hard keeping this mood cheery all the time. A lot of the time I don't know what I'm doing, or I feel like I'm not doing enough. My sleeping schedule is still fucked. I even went to bed early last night at 10pm, and ended up sleeping until 4-5pm today! That's ridiculous. It seems like every time I do try to do something right, it just goes horribly wrong.
A lot of the time when someone else comes over for dinner, or lunch with my grandparents I end up slinking away in my room. Kinda like a little break, but I worry if the family/who ever is coming over thinks that is what I do all the time. Truly the only opinions that matter are my Nana and Poppa's, but it's hard a lot of the time completely dismissing other peoples opinions.
I just wish there was some magical way to make her better. That above all. Cancer is slowly making my nana... Not herself. It's heart breaking to see her in pain, or so sleepy all the time. I just wish there was more I could do.
Just had to get that off my chest.
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