December 17th, 2010 at 1pm Ruby Irene Farkas passed away in her sleep.
It was a half hour after I left the hospital with my Poppa, Uncles and Aunt. She was holding my mom's hand. Gave a tight squeeze, and then a deep breath in, and then exhaled and passed.
My Nana. She is the best Nana a person could have. She watched me grow up and showed me how to become the person I am today. Even through my mistakes she’s always accepted me and brought me back into those loving arms of hers.
I remember every day in the summer when we were kids she’d take my sister and I while my parents worked and took us to the pool made us lunch (Nana Tomato Sandwiches and Poppa Cucumber Salad are by far the best lunch a kid could ever have) – clearly this woman was a glutton for punishment by taking the two of us every day. However, she did have my mom, aunt and uncle so really we were probably a cake walk for her. She put everyone in front of herself. I’m going to miss talking about what to make for dinner as we eat breakfast. I’m going to miss the Ruby-Groove. I’m going to miss hearing about her winning at the casino or bingo. I’m going to miss watching Gossip Girl with her – oh yeah, she watched it with me and loved it.
There is one part of a song I think would work best. Not just from me to her, but I like to think from her to all of us too.
“To think I might not see those eyes,
makes it so hard not to cry.
And as we say our long goodbye, I nearly did.
Light up, as if you have a choice,
even if you cannot hear my voice,
I’ll be right beside you dear. “
I will always think of my Nana when I listen to Run by Snow Patrol.
What I find comforting is that so many people have been touched by her. There is no possible way that she will ever be forgotten. She was, is, and will constantly be a force in my life. No matter the situation. I am truly honoured to say that I am the first grand-daughter of Ruby Irene Farkas. I am viciously proud to say that she was my grand-mother – my perfect and amazing nana.
I truly do not know how I'm going to handle this. I miss her so much it hurts. My Poppa isn't doing too well either. I haven't left his side since we got the news yesterday.
The visitation is on Tuesday, what would've been her 74th birthday. Monday, my mom and I are going to go out and get some clothes for it. I really would like to wear a skirt cause I know she always wanted me to dress nice. I want to look really good for her. I'll wear heels too.
Tomorrow I'm going to do breakfast with a friend, and then see Tron in IMAX3D as well as some xmas shopping so we'll see how it goes.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
all you need are your kicks when you need them
Things took a turn for the worse on Tuesday. My Nana was incoherent, and unable to really understand what was going on completely. She couldn't stand up, and she couldn't do much. We ended up going to the hospital via an ambulance. I rode front-seat shotgun, it was interesting. I thought I could've sat in the back with her... Clearly television shows you something different again! Silly television.
Things haven't progressed really, but we did get some diagnoses.
She had a heart attack, a stroke, she's been having focal seizures, and dehydration.
It makes me think bad things. I should've realized she had a heart attack! I should've realized she had a stroke! These are unfortunately things that will stay with me for the rest of my life, and I don't see forgiving myself any time soon. The doctor's don't know when she had the stroke or the heart attack but I can't stop thinking that if I had just been a little more vigilant in watching her, or something that we could've caught it sooner.
She now just lays in a bed, just sleeping. Her body is slowly shutting down. Every once in a while she will wake up though, and from that she'll look around and kind of register things. She knows she's in the hospital right now, but the thing that makes me just... Ugh. I told her I loved her, and she said it back. I said it again, and she said it back. She had the BRIGHTEST smile in the world, and it just makes me teary even now. I bent down afterwards to give her a kiss on the cheek and she gave me one. It was just... Made me so happy.
I rescheduled my job interview, and then missed it again. I'm staying with Nana through the night, and sleeping during most of the day. I have about a couple of hours before I go into the hospital from when I wake up. Shower, try to do stuff for my Poppa, or do some laundry.
I'm in the midst of writing something for the services for my Nana. On top of that, I've kinda dedicated "Run" by Snow Patrol to her. For both us to her, and her to us. Sure the song is supposed to be about a couple, but there is one part;
“To think I might not see those eyes,
makes it so hard not to cry.
And as we say our long goodbye, I nearly did.
Light up, as if you have a choice,
even if you cannot hear my voice,
I’ll be right beside you dear. “
That I just know that my Nana would feel and we all feel to her too.
We'll see how it continues tonight.
Things haven't progressed really, but we did get some diagnoses.
She had a heart attack, a stroke, she's been having focal seizures, and dehydration.
It makes me think bad things. I should've realized she had a heart attack! I should've realized she had a stroke! These are unfortunately things that will stay with me for the rest of my life, and I don't see forgiving myself any time soon. The doctor's don't know when she had the stroke or the heart attack but I can't stop thinking that if I had just been a little more vigilant in watching her, or something that we could've caught it sooner.
She now just lays in a bed, just sleeping. Her body is slowly shutting down. Every once in a while she will wake up though, and from that she'll look around and kind of register things. She knows she's in the hospital right now, but the thing that makes me just... Ugh. I told her I loved her, and she said it back. I said it again, and she said it back. She had the BRIGHTEST smile in the world, and it just makes me teary even now. I bent down afterwards to give her a kiss on the cheek and she gave me one. It was just... Made me so happy.
I rescheduled my job interview, and then missed it again. I'm staying with Nana through the night, and sleeping during most of the day. I have about a couple of hours before I go into the hospital from when I wake up. Shower, try to do stuff for my Poppa, or do some laundry.
I'm in the midst of writing something for the services for my Nana. On top of that, I've kinda dedicated "Run" by Snow Patrol to her. For both us to her, and her to us. Sure the song is supposed to be about a couple, but there is one part;
“To think I might not see those eyes,
makes it so hard not to cry.
And as we say our long goodbye, I nearly did.
Light up, as if you have a choice,
even if you cannot hear my voice,
I’ll be right beside you dear. “
That I just know that my Nana would feel and we all feel to her too.
We'll see how it continues tonight.
Monday, December 13, 2010
i wanna be there for you - someone you can come to
The past few days have been getting increasingly hard. If it's not one thing it'll be another. There were actually moments where I was afraid I'd made the wrong choice by moving here. Not because I didn't want to help my grandparents, but because I didn't know if I could handle it. There was a little incident, and it ended up really getting to me. Kinda like the straw that broke the camel's back. I was just not myself at all at the end, but I couldn't let them know. I can't have them worrying about me, and getting upset about me not feeling well or being upset. They honestly need to just worry about themselves.
It's just... It's still such a shock. I'm not giving up my life, but I am putting everything I want or think about on hold. It makes me realize how selfish we all are. The fact that putting what I want on the back burner it's just... so selfish. Humans are self involved, and when it comes to dealing with other and putting our own desires aside it affects us so much, even to the point of too much. At the same time, yes, people need to live for themselves, but it's just... We're a selfish species, and it's slowly just becoming more apparent the longer I'm here. Maybe this means I'm growing up? Or perhaps it's in the vein of becoming stronger, or figuring out who I am.
The act of becoming the primary caregiver, in not just a monetary sense but in the act of making sure someone has enough water so they're not going to get dehydrated, or going to a pharmacy to make sure they're getting the right dosages and prescriptions. It's something you can't do half-heartedly. It's something that you have to absolutely surrender yourself to. It's hard too. Sometimes I think about how my Nana would pick my sister and I up in the summer when we were kids. We'd have breakfast, and lunch, and my Nana would take care of me and her while our parents were at work and we had no school to go to. She'd take us to the pool all the time. First the wading pool outside, but then the indoor rec-center pool. Then every year on our birthdays we'd get pool memberships. She'd do things with us in that respect. I even remember taking a bus downtown with her one time. It was my first time on a bus too.
It's hard watching someone become something that you can't help them with. The struggle they have is painful because you know there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Cancer is a bitch. It hurts more than the person with it, but you can't let them see you so upset. You gotta keep on trucking, and when you have the time in a shower cry your heart out. Or before you go to bed scream into your pillow. Then in the morning, wake up and get at it again.
There are good days, but there are horrible days too. While right now there are more good than bad... I can see the bad days are around the corner, and once we hit that corner there is no way out of that road. It terrifies me. If I am so broken down now, how will I be able to deal along the road? There really isn't any answer other than; I have to. You just have learn how to deal - even if the thought of learning how to deal terrifies the shit out of you, you have to learn it.
Let's hope I can learn to take my own advice.
It's just... It's still such a shock. I'm not giving up my life, but I am putting everything I want or think about on hold. It makes me realize how selfish we all are. The fact that putting what I want on the back burner it's just... so selfish. Humans are self involved, and when it comes to dealing with other and putting our own desires aside it affects us so much, even to the point of too much. At the same time, yes, people need to live for themselves, but it's just... We're a selfish species, and it's slowly just becoming more apparent the longer I'm here. Maybe this means I'm growing up? Or perhaps it's in the vein of becoming stronger, or figuring out who I am.
The act of becoming the primary caregiver, in not just a monetary sense but in the act of making sure someone has enough water so they're not going to get dehydrated, or going to a pharmacy to make sure they're getting the right dosages and prescriptions. It's something you can't do half-heartedly. It's something that you have to absolutely surrender yourself to. It's hard too. Sometimes I think about how my Nana would pick my sister and I up in the summer when we were kids. We'd have breakfast, and lunch, and my Nana would take care of me and her while our parents were at work and we had no school to go to. She'd take us to the pool all the time. First the wading pool outside, but then the indoor rec-center pool. Then every year on our birthdays we'd get pool memberships. She'd do things with us in that respect. I even remember taking a bus downtown with her one time. It was my first time on a bus too.
It's hard watching someone become something that you can't help them with. The struggle they have is painful because you know there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. Cancer is a bitch. It hurts more than the person with it, but you can't let them see you so upset. You gotta keep on trucking, and when you have the time in a shower cry your heart out. Or before you go to bed scream into your pillow. Then in the morning, wake up and get at it again.
There are good days, but there are horrible days too. While right now there are more good than bad... I can see the bad days are around the corner, and once we hit that corner there is no way out of that road. It terrifies me. If I am so broken down now, how will I be able to deal along the road? There really isn't any answer other than; I have to. You just have learn how to deal - even if the thought of learning how to deal terrifies the shit out of you, you have to learn it.
Let's hope I can learn to take my own advice.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
feel you on my fingertips
I started my Christmas shopping. Even though I don't really believe in Christmas with the whole fat red jolly man, I really love giving gifts. Mind you I have very little ideas as to what I would like to get people there are a few things I know I'm already getting.
Parents: Movie Tickets and a restaurant voucher. So they can do the date-thing.
Sara: No idea.
Caitlyn: Got her a Tokidori Eyeshadow Palette.
Andie: Doing a photo shoot for her on Friday.
Melissa: Cheesy animal print floor mats for her car. Or some other ridiculous material for her new car.
Sister: Some Manga from chapters.
Kris: No idea, but thankfully she will be okay with it being late.
Grandparents (Both sides): I'm thinking about going to a portrait studio and having a picture taking of my sister and getting it developed. Same for my great-grandmother too.
Amelia: We set a goal for each other. Each person has to go to the dollar store and find one RIDICULOUS item for one dollar. It has to be the most outrageous thing in the store, and then give it to the other. Yay.
In that vein I went to Sephora today, and I was REALLY unimpressed. Not because of how mind numbingly busy it was, but of the prices. I had expected the store to carry high prices, but the prices off the website. I wanted to get this for Caitlyn, but instead of being $35 it was $46! I'm on a very tight budget here, and I could not spend that much! It's ridiculous. Even with the US to Can dollar rate change, there is no way it should be priced $11 more! Instead of the brushes I got her this, which I think is still a pretty good compromise. Even though on the website said it was $25,and it definitely wasn't. Thankfully it wasn't marked $11 more! Even though I'm a person who wears nothing for makeup, I know a lot about it. I'm a nerd and I watch makeup guru's on youtube. Pixiwoo, Lauren Luke, EnKore, MissChevious and Petrilude to name a few. Tokidori is a pretty good quality product, but I wouldn't be able to see myself buying it in store ever again. For their products on the Sephora store, I would definitely recommend. However, if you're seriously contemplating makeup and that sort of stuff get the perfect brush; Mac 217. Blending brush, but it's really good. It is useful in all sorts of respects, and on the Mac website not TOO bad considering how much some of Hakuhodo stuff goes for.
Time to keep trying to figure out what I gotta get for the rest on my listttt.
Parents: Movie Tickets and a restaurant voucher. So they can do the date-thing.
Sara: No idea.
Caitlyn: Got her a Tokidori Eyeshadow Palette.
Andie: Doing a photo shoot for her on Friday.
Melissa: Cheesy animal print floor mats for her car. Or some other ridiculous material for her new car.
Sister: Some Manga from chapters.
Kris: No idea, but thankfully she will be okay with it being late.
Grandparents (Both sides): I'm thinking about going to a portrait studio and having a picture taking of my sister and getting it developed. Same for my great-grandmother too.
Amelia: We set a goal for each other. Each person has to go to the dollar store and find one RIDICULOUS item for one dollar. It has to be the most outrageous thing in the store, and then give it to the other. Yay.
In that vein I went to Sephora today, and I was REALLY unimpressed. Not because of how mind numbingly busy it was, but of the prices. I had expected the store to carry high prices, but the prices off the website. I wanted to get this for Caitlyn, but instead of being $35 it was $46! I'm on a very tight budget here, and I could not spend that much! It's ridiculous. Even with the US to Can dollar rate change, there is no way it should be priced $11 more! Instead of the brushes I got her this, which I think is still a pretty good compromise. Even though on the website said it was $25,and it definitely wasn't. Thankfully it wasn't marked $11 more! Even though I'm a person who wears nothing for makeup, I know a lot about it. I'm a nerd and I watch makeup guru's on youtube. Pixiwoo, Lauren Luke, EnKore, MissChevious and Petrilude to name a few. Tokidori is a pretty good quality product, but I wouldn't be able to see myself buying it in store ever again. For their products on the Sephora store, I would definitely recommend. However, if you're seriously contemplating makeup and that sort of stuff get the perfect brush; Mac 217. Blending brush, but it's really good. It is useful in all sorts of respects, and on the Mac website not TOO bad considering how much some of Hakuhodo stuff goes for.
Time to keep trying to figure out what I gotta get for the rest on my listttt.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
it's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
I went out and did a bunch of stuff today. Made a steak dinner, helped my poppa with his prescriptions. Dealt with my student loans, worked up my bills, balanced my money or lack there of. Played some WoW, did some cleaning, and went and saw my best friend Sara and my godson Logan. As well as my friends Caitlyn and Andie. Sara and I became friends while we were gushing about Justin Timberlake or Jensen Ackles at work. It's funny cause when I first started working at that Wendy's I had been so scared of her, but now we've been inseparable. She's been a great support in my life and I don't know where I'd be without her. On top of that, she has the ABSOLUTE CUTEST BOY IN THE WORLD. I love this little boy with all of my heart. I will never need a child because of this boy.
I brought my camera with the intent of getting some pictures of the beast (Logan's nickname because he is a BIG baby, and always has been) and myself, but I only got some of him and then my batteries died. Oh well! Always next time :)
Sara was getting him to smile big.
Oh haaaaai camera.
This is my favourite picture of the night, I love this kid with all my heart.
To be honest, this little bundle of joy helps me out more than I had ever expected a baby to. Gives me a bit of fresh relief coming over and playing with him. I told Sara that we'd have to bring him over one day so he could see my nana, I tell her about him all the time and I know that she'd love to meet him one day.
I brought my camera with the intent of getting some pictures of the beast (Logan's nickname because he is a BIG baby, and always has been) and myself, but I only got some of him and then my batteries died. Oh well! Always next time :)
Sara was getting him to smile big.
Oh haaaaai camera.
This is my favourite picture of the night, I love this kid with all my heart.
To be honest, this little bundle of joy helps me out more than I had ever expected a baby to. Gives me a bit of fresh relief coming over and playing with him. I told Sara that we'd have to bring him over one day so he could see my nana, I tell her about him all the time and I know that she'd love to meet him one day.
Monday, December 6, 2010
well you know this is your biggest mistake
Accomplished really nothing today. I did my hair and make a dinner, but today was lazy. I think I'm getting in a rut. Tomorrow thankfully I'll be doing a bit more. Going out with my Poppa and helping him set up his prescriptions, as well as doing a bit of grocery shopping. Watched Gossip Girl <3 I love that show, my best friend showed me the awesomeness of the show. We text each other throughout and it usually just consists of 'omfgwtf just happened' or 'ohhhhh shit' all very intellectual obviously.
Yum food. Pork chops, with cheesy scalloped potatoes. I like sour cream with pork chops (and steaks oddly enough) but we didn't have any :( so I used ranch - which spilled over and made a huuuuuge glob.
Yay red hair. It's dark outside right now, and wonderfully this house has horrible lighting, so I'll try and take a better picture tomorrow. I think I'll even try taking a picture with my Nana or Poppa :) Maybe even both!
Tomorrow is also the release of Cataclysm for World of Warcraft. :3 I'm a nerd, and I play that. I bought it right before I became jobless, so we'll see if I can pull together the money to pay for another month oh well. It's something to fill up my time when I can't do cleaning anymore. Or Nana and Poppa don't need me and I've finished looking through job openings.
Alright. Back to watching Soul Eater a pretty interesting anime. :)
Yum food. Pork chops, with cheesy scalloped potatoes. I like sour cream with pork chops (and steaks oddly enough) but we didn't have any :( so I used ranch - which spilled over and made a huuuuuge glob.
Yay red hair. It's dark outside right now, and wonderfully this house has horrible lighting, so I'll try and take a better picture tomorrow. I think I'll even try taking a picture with my Nana or Poppa :) Maybe even both!
Tomorrow is also the release of Cataclysm for World of Warcraft. :3 I'm a nerd, and I play that. I bought it right before I became jobless, so we'll see if I can pull together the money to pay for another month oh well. It's something to fill up my time when I can't do cleaning anymore. Or Nana and Poppa don't need me and I've finished looking through job openings.
Alright. Back to watching Soul Eater a pretty interesting anime. :)
Sunday, December 5, 2010
its a little bit funny this feeling inside
I've decided I'm going to get a box dye tomorrow and do it up. One, I'm tired of looking like a damn clown, two, I'm impatient. So we'll see how that goes and stuffff. Today was a family dinner at my parents house. It was for the most part awkward. After we all caught up there was very little to talk about. Maybe that's just a part of growing up too. The growing apart from your parents. Moving out has ended up making it easier for me to form this amazing bond with my grandparents. So it's kind of like giving up one thing for another?
We'll see how that goes. The following are pictures of my trashy hair right now.
Showcasing my wonderful roots. Ugh, so unimpressed my hair right now.
That's really showing off the sunset of colours. You don't get the root-effect though, but it's still a mess regardless.
And yeah I find it funny that I still wear my college hoodie even though I dropped out of the school last year and have no intentions of ever going back.
We'll see how that goes. The following are pictures of my trashy hair right now.
Showcasing my wonderful roots. Ugh, so unimpressed my hair right now.
That's really showing off the sunset of colours. You don't get the root-effect though, but it's still a mess regardless.
And yeah I find it funny that I still wear my college hoodie even though I dropped out of the school last year and have no intentions of ever going back.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
chasing pavements
So today Nana wanted a nice family dinner. What Nana wants shall be done! I brought up a roast last night and started having that defrost. Put a bunch of spices on that, stuck it in the oven for a while. Then after it was done I made up some mashed potatoes, and then green bean&mushroom soup sauce. Voila dinner was done! Nana was really happy to have it too. We got a call from one of our cousins in Windsor, and were told that Jack a cousin my Nana really loves and visits often wouldn't be making it past Monday. He was diagnosed with cancer after my Nana, and it really hit her hard. One thing I realized was that even though I hate people touching me, and I can't really come to grips with that, when it comes to my Nana, hugs are the best thing ever. I don't know why but Nana-hugs are awesome. Especially when I'm the one giving her the hug.
ROAST! BWAHAAAAA! It was my first try alone to do it. It came out awesome too.
DINNER! It looks drenched in the sauce, but whatever, it was so yummy!
Once dinner is done back to cleaning. Tomorrow I'm going to have dinner with my parents and other grandparents considering they're up in Canada for a bit. And my Nana and Poppa are having some guests over tomorrow.
ROAST! BWAHAAAAA! It was my first try alone to do it. It came out awesome too.
DINNER! It looks drenched in the sauce, but whatever, it was so yummy!
Once dinner is done back to cleaning. Tomorrow I'm going to have dinner with my parents and other grandparents considering they're up in Canada for a bit. And my Nana and Poppa are having some guests over tomorrow.
i'm rocket man
I've begun to take on a tougher role in helping my Nana. I'm going to be stepping it up and really making sure I'm not just making things easier in the house, but taking care of her specifically. I took a step forward in doing that by getting involved in her medications. I went to the pharmacy with my aunt, and we spoke with the assistant and pharmacist there about her stuff, and got them all into easier and much more manageable day to day capsule things. We're going to do it with my Poppa next week as well. Tomorrow I intend to clean the house from top to bottom. I expect to get a good deal done. We got Nana a bath seat, a new shower handle thing, and what I think she loves the most would be the movies. She'd been talking about Smokey and the Bandit for weeks and weeks, and we finally were able to have her watch. It was cute.
On top of that I applied for a couple jobs. It can't hurt, and I am still looking around for a job. It's just I need it to either be part-time, or something I love and would feel actually HAPPY doing. Otherwise I'll just end up in a bad rut again. Besides, to be honest I'd rather be at home not for the sake of not working but just so I can watch over my Nana. So I can make sure she's got her lunch, or dinner. In ways it's still so weird and surreal to think about how different the roles have been reversed here. Not that I'm complaining at all! Yes, the situation is sad, but... The silver lining is it gives me a purpose to wake up each day. Not just because I'm supposed to wake up because people tell me to. But instead I wake up because I want to make sure I help and take care of my Nana so she's okay. There are still bad days, but there are better days than bad days which is the great part.
I've also decided to start trying to take pictures more often too :)
Meet Joplin, my baby. I love her. I got her October 2008, in Thunder Bay. My roommates and I adopted her. She was apparently found with a cat named Zepplin. Sometimes I don't know where I'd be without this cat of mine. She knows when I'm upset, or angry. One day when I was really sad and laying in bed cuddling my teddy bear she came up and squeezed in between me and the bear and licked my cheeks and just laid there with me purring as loud as a tractor. Sure the way she licks your eyelids to try and wake you up is annoying, and the way she tends to just lay in the litter box is disgusting, but I would never trade this cat in for the world. She's my baby. She also made me realize I want to do nothing else but adopt animals in the future.
On top of that I applied for a couple jobs. It can't hurt, and I am still looking around for a job. It's just I need it to either be part-time, or something I love and would feel actually HAPPY doing. Otherwise I'll just end up in a bad rut again. Besides, to be honest I'd rather be at home not for the sake of not working but just so I can watch over my Nana. So I can make sure she's got her lunch, or dinner. In ways it's still so weird and surreal to think about how different the roles have been reversed here. Not that I'm complaining at all! Yes, the situation is sad, but... The silver lining is it gives me a purpose to wake up each day. Not just because I'm supposed to wake up because people tell me to. But instead I wake up because I want to make sure I help and take care of my Nana so she's okay. There are still bad days, but there are better days than bad days which is the great part.
I've also decided to start trying to take pictures more often too :)
Meet Joplin, my baby. I love her. I got her October 2008, in Thunder Bay. My roommates and I adopted her. She was apparently found with a cat named Zepplin. Sometimes I don't know where I'd be without this cat of mine. She knows when I'm upset, or angry. One day when I was really sad and laying in bed cuddling my teddy bear she came up and squeezed in between me and the bear and licked my cheeks and just laid there with me purring as loud as a tractor. Sure the way she licks your eyelids to try and wake you up is annoying, and the way she tends to just lay in the litter box is disgusting, but I would never trade this cat in for the world. She's my baby. She also made me realize I want to do nothing else but adopt animals in the future.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
and it all comes round once in a lifetime like it always does
Life taking care of someone else is different. It's a big change, and it's a bit hard. I wish I could say it was cute like taking care of a baby too, but taking care of a loved one who is really sick, and used to take care of you it's just... hard. My nana was diagnosed with cancer this past February (2010), and she's been strong through it all. She had a knee operation last year too. She's an inspiration to me. But now that the cancer has spread it's getting harder. There are spots all over her lungs, her esophagus, liver, and then after the first round of chemotherapy they realized it'd spread to the brain. After radiation for the brain, they realized that the things in her chest grew. So when she gets through one major hurdle, she gets thrown another major hurdle. It's really hard. Most of the day she sits in her chair and just watches television. Finally we hooked the dvd player up to her tv so she can spend the day watching movies rather than poker. She really doesn't stay up for more than three hours at a time because of the radiation leaving her though. Then on top of the cancer, she's got arthritis and other health problems. To see someone who cared for me so much while I had a broken leg, or over the summers when my parents were at work, in so much discomfort and pain it hurts. Through the whole ordeal I've really only cried a good once. When we were told she had the cancer. I bawled my eyes out that day. You can't really afford to cry when you're around them so much.
I moved in a month and a bit ago to help my Poppa take care of her. I find myself doing more than just taking care of her though. I'm taking care of both of them. It's a big change in my life, and I don't think I've really come round to it all. I don't feel like I've moved out at all either. I just feel like I'm having a long sleep over at their house. Even though I've clearly made this room mine.
Through it all I've come to try and be strong, not for myself but for Nana. I know if she sees me sad she'll feel a bit more hopeless about her own situation. If I'm in a pissy mood it rubs off on my Poppa and then he gets all snitty with my nana. It's bloody hard keeping this mood cheery all the time. A lot of the time I don't know what I'm doing, or I feel like I'm not doing enough. My sleeping schedule is still fucked. I even went to bed early last night at 10pm, and ended up sleeping until 4-5pm today! That's ridiculous. It seems like every time I do try to do something right, it just goes horribly wrong.
A lot of the time when someone else comes over for dinner, or lunch with my grandparents I end up slinking away in my room. Kinda like a little break, but I worry if the family/who ever is coming over thinks that is what I do all the time. Truly the only opinions that matter are my Nana and Poppa's, but it's hard a lot of the time completely dismissing other peoples opinions.
I just wish there was some magical way to make her better. That above all. Cancer is slowly making my nana... Not herself. It's heart breaking to see her in pain, or so sleepy all the time. I just wish there was more I could do.
Just had to get that off my chest.
I moved in a month and a bit ago to help my Poppa take care of her. I find myself doing more than just taking care of her though. I'm taking care of both of them. It's a big change in my life, and I don't think I've really come round to it all. I don't feel like I've moved out at all either. I just feel like I'm having a long sleep over at their house. Even though I've clearly made this room mine.
Through it all I've come to try and be strong, not for myself but for Nana. I know if she sees me sad she'll feel a bit more hopeless about her own situation. If I'm in a pissy mood it rubs off on my Poppa and then he gets all snitty with my nana. It's bloody hard keeping this mood cheery all the time. A lot of the time I don't know what I'm doing, or I feel like I'm not doing enough. My sleeping schedule is still fucked. I even went to bed early last night at 10pm, and ended up sleeping until 4-5pm today! That's ridiculous. It seems like every time I do try to do something right, it just goes horribly wrong.
A lot of the time when someone else comes over for dinner, or lunch with my grandparents I end up slinking away in my room. Kinda like a little break, but I worry if the family/who ever is coming over thinks that is what I do all the time. Truly the only opinions that matter are my Nana and Poppa's, but it's hard a lot of the time completely dismissing other peoples opinions.
I just wish there was some magical way to make her better. That above all. Cancer is slowly making my nana... Not herself. It's heart breaking to see her in pain, or so sleepy all the time. I just wish there was more I could do.
Just had to get that off my chest.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
you go on and i'll be happier
So in the midst of everything right now, I'm trying to pull myself together for my hair. As vain as that is, it's kinda like a way away from life. It's frivolous and can change many times. Right now my hair is a version of a sunset of colours. It's blonde in the front, an orange-red through the hair and the ends are a brown. Thanks to the wonders of bleaching I'm looking more like a clown every day. However, the good thing about this is the light at the end of the tunnel. My hair is really naturally dark. So in my effort to go blonde (which is already boring me) I've got a lot of options available. What I'm going to do, is bleach my hair one last time (the third and final trial). I doubt it will go a consistent colour, however I'm going to really just be focusing on the orange-red and the ends. I'll toy around with that let my hair breathe for a week, and then I'll go red.
Now there are a lot of different shades of red I can roll into. Especially because I'm looking for a job, I think I'm really limited to versions that aren't as outlandish as I would really like. So Little Mermaid Red is out of the question. When I was 14 or 15, I was finally allowed to dye my hair, and I went that type of bright red hair. I loved it, but sadly not sensible. Oh how times have changed, and how much my teenage angst self would just hate me.
Alison Sudol also known as the front woman for A Fine Frenzy, is amazing. And her red hair is absolutely enviable. However, upon further inspection it's clear she has various colours of red. This had been my first introduction and spark of green envy. It's in the 'Almost Lover' video. Perhaps it's the shading of the image, but looking at it, there are a lot of orange hues. More than I'd like, which led me to believe that maybe a browner shade might work.
Led me to this version of her red hair. Which when I actually took a good look at, I was surprised that it just wasn't really red. It's brown with some brassiness. Before looking around at samples of her hair I just went by this video thinking it was her regular signature red. I was pretty surprised. However, this definitely wasn't the version for me. I want a bit more red rather than a brassy brown.
Came upon this one and found myself disappointed again. It's too orange for my liking. At this point I was thinking perhaps I should look in other places for my red. I'm kind of a visual person, and I won't lie I like my hair being styled after another style that I like. So I kind of want to see or imagine the end product.
Then I found this one. In that shot it's a bit darker than I'd like, but the second I saw the video I started talking to my friend how I really wanted it. Now with my bleached hair I can once in for all get a good shade. Rather than tinting my dark hair with a bit of a colour.
We'll see how it goes regardless. This weekend coming up or the weekend after I'll do my bleaching again, if I like it throw the toner on, and then from there see where to go. Regardless it was fun writing this :) Self indulgence for the win.
Now there are a lot of different shades of red I can roll into. Especially because I'm looking for a job, I think I'm really limited to versions that aren't as outlandish as I would really like. So Little Mermaid Red is out of the question. When I was 14 or 15, I was finally allowed to dye my hair, and I went that type of bright red hair. I loved it, but sadly not sensible. Oh how times have changed, and how much my teenage angst self would just hate me.
Alison Sudol also known as the front woman for A Fine Frenzy, is amazing. And her red hair is absolutely enviable. However, upon further inspection it's clear she has various colours of red. This had been my first introduction and spark of green envy. It's in the 'Almost Lover' video. Perhaps it's the shading of the image, but looking at it, there are a lot of orange hues. More than I'd like, which led me to believe that maybe a browner shade might work.
Led me to this version of her red hair. Which when I actually took a good look at, I was surprised that it just wasn't really red. It's brown with some brassiness. Before looking around at samples of her hair I just went by this video thinking it was her regular signature red. I was pretty surprised. However, this definitely wasn't the version for me. I want a bit more red rather than a brassy brown.
Came upon this one and found myself disappointed again. It's too orange for my liking. At this point I was thinking perhaps I should look in other places for my red. I'm kind of a visual person, and I won't lie I like my hair being styled after another style that I like. So I kind of want to see or imagine the end product.
Then I found this one. In that shot it's a bit darker than I'd like, but the second I saw the video I started talking to my friend how I really wanted it. Now with my bleached hair I can once in for all get a good shade. Rather than tinting my dark hair with a bit of a colour.
We'll see how it goes regardless. This weekend coming up or the weekend after I'll do my bleaching again, if I like it throw the toner on, and then from there see where to go. Regardless it was fun writing this :) Self indulgence for the win.
Monday, November 29, 2010
i don't need no parachute
I have two days to write 17k for nanowrimo! Can I do it? Probably. Will I? Not sure just yet. I have specific plot points that I would like to write but I wish they were already done. I did 50k+ in September on my own without any word wars, why is it that when NaNoWriMo comes around I can't seem to do it? Especially with amazing things in rewards for finishing.
I deviated from my diet plan too. I keep on pushing it off until tomorrow, the slacker's favourite day.
In terms of music today I found that Cheryl Cole did Parachutes before Ingrid Michaelson. I really don't care for Cheryl's version, the video works better than Ingrid's though.
Cheryl Cole's version.
Ingrid Michaelson's version.
I deviated from my diet plan too. I keep on pushing it off until tomorrow, the slacker's favourite day.
In terms of music today I found that Cheryl Cole did Parachutes before Ingrid Michaelson. I really don't care for Cheryl's version, the video works better than Ingrid's though.
Cheryl Cole's version.
Ingrid Michaelson's version.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
this is my winter song tonight
My name is Ashley Rose, and I'm 22. I live with my grandparents to help my Nana who is going through various cancer treatments. I will do anything for them without a second of hesitation. I have an awesome cat who I think came to me to keep me sane in this crazy world. Her name is Joplin, and yes I am quite fond of the term crazy cat lady. I'm a college dropout, and at the very moment quite unemployed, I'm also quite the fattie. I'm a writer, one day I'll be an author. I love listening to music, in fact there isn't one moment of the day where I'm not really listening to music. I have the most wonderful godson Logan, of whom I adore like no other. I don't need any children of my own when I have that beast. I have some of the most amazing friends, and I'm more than grateful for them. They've been the crutches to my life more often than not.
Winter is my favourite season, red/orange is my favourite colour, I can't choose if I'm a dog or cat person, Ariel is my favourite Disney princess. I have over 150 books. Kelley Armstrong is my favourite author. I love the Harry Potter series and intend to get a tattoo displaying that love one day. Janeae Garofolo is one of my idols. I have two tattoos and intend to get more. I'm not a neat freak despite being a Virgo, however I need things in their specific order. I consider myself Pagan, but I love learning about other beliefs and religions. I am trying to practice meditation, and learn more about Chakras in order to help myself become a better person.
This blog is every and anything that comes to my mind. My journey with weightloss, as well as my adventures into trying to get a new job, and other fun issues.
Winter is my favourite season, red/orange is my favourite colour, I can't choose if I'm a dog or cat person, Ariel is my favourite Disney princess. I have over 150 books. Kelley Armstrong is my favourite author. I love the Harry Potter series and intend to get a tattoo displaying that love one day. Janeae Garofolo is one of my idols. I have two tattoos and intend to get more. I'm not a neat freak despite being a Virgo, however I need things in their specific order. I consider myself Pagan, but I love learning about other beliefs and religions. I am trying to practice meditation, and learn more about Chakras in order to help myself become a better person.
This blog is every and anything that comes to my mind. My journey with weightloss, as well as my adventures into trying to get a new job, and other fun issues.
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