What would you do if everyday you dreaded waking up every morning. That every action you did during the day absolutely exhausted you. Even simple things like hanging out with a friend, was really a big event like something you had to prepare yourself for.
It's kind of my life every day. It's hard to keep on going when you're exhausted over the little things. What will the bigger things do to me when I get to them if I can barely handle what I have now? I always get sad at the thought of the future, which in turn is just a vicious cycle because I get sad that I'm sad! I want to feel excited about life, and I want to be excited to wake up everyday. I want to enjoy the crisp air. Hell I want to feel accomplished after doing something! I'm not even looking for instant gratification. I want to know that I'm apart of something bigger. That my efforts are not in vain.
I guess you could say everyone wants to feel that.
But what you want to feel, and what you are feeling, are always completely different things.
There are two different types of people when it comes to darker situations. The people who have been through it, and the people who have not. Once you have been through that situation you have a different view of the whole event, and are able to approach it with a completely changed point of view. The people who haven't been through it aren't able to fully understand, and therefore, are sort of left in the dark.
When it comes to the people who are supposed to support you, it's easier if the person understands the situation. There are certain bonds, and ways of being a kindred spirit that link you together. It's harder for those who haven't. They don't understand the gravity of the situation in your eyes. From that things can go wrong. Careless words can be said without actually meaning them harshly, but the person who needs the comfort will feel it like a bullet to the head. It's a bit of a friend's duty to explain the impact, but it's also a bit of the sayer's duty to be a little bit more conscious about their words.
I've been lucky, and I think I take that for granted a lot of the time. I have pools of support. While I may have experienced a sort of emotional barrier with friends before, and I know I will feel it in the future... Talking it out sort of makes it better, or easier to explain things.
The world can't know what you're thinking or feeling until you tell it in simple words.
I think it's a lesson we all have to learn, and continue to try and keep up learning about otherwise we get left in the dust and we forget about it.
Yay another uncensored-thought-streaming-blog-post!
By the way, I'll post tomorrow about my trip to Niagara University to see a postsecret.com event!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
an unedited uncensored stream of thoughts
Facebook is just a place for you to see the people you've known throughout your life and realize that there were so many different routes your life could've turned down. Then comes the 'would I have done things differently?' and from that it kinda stems the question of 'where am I now?'. If you compare where you want to be, and where you are you don't get anywhere, but it's so hard not to see the picture we were all forced to paint for ourselves in school before we actually got a chance to get out in the world and realize that things don't ever go as planned.
It's so hard to realize what you have at the very exact moment you have it. You never realize the full extent of it's impactin your life until it's gone. Even an option. The moment it's gone, you begin to think about all the different ways that you could've gone about chosing it, and from there been in a completely different moment than the one you're in at the moment.
Through the past couple weeks, I've been trying to teach myself how to become less materialistic. I am not the books I have, I am not the clothes I wear. I am my thoughts, my opinions, my voice. Not my bank account. Not my credit score. However, in this first world country, in this capitalist society it is SO hard to get away from that. More and more I find myself wanting to run away from it all. Where would I go though? I don't know yet. It's so hard being at this part of my life. Especially since I have things I 'should' be doing, or so society tells me. I'm tired of the monotony of society telling me what I should and should not do! My life is my own, right?
Maybe this is what growing up is. Always doubting myself, never feeling like I'm doing the right move. Do other 'adults' feel like this? No one taught you what to do if this happened in your life. There are no true instructional books. There aren't even guidelines. There are other people's accounts of what has been working for them, maybe that's what we need to open ourselves into accepting. The suggestion, the trials and tribulations of our friends and like minded kindred spirits. Suss them out and value their opinion. Rather than look to what society tells you.
It's pretty easy to blame a lot of things on the way society runs. I think I need to take some of the blame myself. One could say that it's clearly society's influence on me that pushed me into making these decisions, but if I want to look away from society, I need to stop blaming my problems on it too.
But will accepting those problems going to make things better or worse? I am not a strong person. Pretty passive, I may talk big, and laugh loud, but I'd rather not deal with serious confrontation. Will accepting the fault make me withdraw further? How do I convince myself that it's my problem when I want to blame it on someone else?
There are so many other things going through my mind. I want to think more about the way my life should go, or the way that I think it should go, but I'm also trying to accept where it is, and enjoy that without putting too many expectations on the future. I want to believe in some type of spiritual connection. I know I do not believe in a God, or Goddess. Some ultimate higher being, but I believe that there is something connecting every single person in this world. That inside of all of us there is a soul. It's hard to dive into topics like these and talk about them with people when the subject of religion is so taboo! I LOVE talking about religious belief's. Sometimes I even find myself jealous of the beauty that other's devotion to their belief is. Obviously there will be ridiculousness in every sector of life, I don't mean some crazies like the Westboro Baptist Church, but the individual person and their love of whatever it is.
I just... I don't want to be quiet anymore! I want to talk about the big questions. I want to THINK, I want to BE. I don't want to talk about who said what, and who did what. I want to BE. I want to find out more about myself and my friends, and even my enemies. I want to know why people think a certain way, and I want to know what it means to them. I want to love life because it is beautiful.
I want to be alive, experience life, and just BE.
I want the thirst and passion for life that I imagine I should have, especially with such a long winded post about it.
It's so hard to realize what you have at the very exact moment you have it. You never realize the full extent of it's impactin your life until it's gone. Even an option. The moment it's gone, you begin to think about all the different ways that you could've gone about chosing it, and from there been in a completely different moment than the one you're in at the moment.
Through the past couple weeks, I've been trying to teach myself how to become less materialistic. I am not the books I have, I am not the clothes I wear. I am my thoughts, my opinions, my voice. Not my bank account. Not my credit score. However, in this first world country, in this capitalist society it is SO hard to get away from that. More and more I find myself wanting to run away from it all. Where would I go though? I don't know yet. It's so hard being at this part of my life. Especially since I have things I 'should' be doing, or so society tells me. I'm tired of the monotony of society telling me what I should and should not do! My life is my own, right?
Maybe this is what growing up is. Always doubting myself, never feeling like I'm doing the right move. Do other 'adults' feel like this? No one taught you what to do if this happened in your life. There are no true instructional books. There aren't even guidelines. There are other people's accounts of what has been working for them, maybe that's what we need to open ourselves into accepting. The suggestion, the trials and tribulations of our friends and like minded kindred spirits. Suss them out and value their opinion. Rather than look to what society tells you.
It's pretty easy to blame a lot of things on the way society runs. I think I need to take some of the blame myself. One could say that it's clearly society's influence on me that pushed me into making these decisions, but if I want to look away from society, I need to stop blaming my problems on it too.
But will accepting those problems going to make things better or worse? I am not a strong person. Pretty passive, I may talk big, and laugh loud, but I'd rather not deal with serious confrontation. Will accepting the fault make me withdraw further? How do I convince myself that it's my problem when I want to blame it on someone else?
There are so many other things going through my mind. I want to think more about the way my life should go, or the way that I think it should go, but I'm also trying to accept where it is, and enjoy that without putting too many expectations on the future. I want to believe in some type of spiritual connection. I know I do not believe in a God, or Goddess. Some ultimate higher being, but I believe that there is something connecting every single person in this world. That inside of all of us there is a soul. It's hard to dive into topics like these and talk about them with people when the subject of religion is so taboo! I LOVE talking about religious belief's. Sometimes I even find myself jealous of the beauty that other's devotion to their belief is. Obviously there will be ridiculousness in every sector of life, I don't mean some crazies like the Westboro Baptist Church, but the individual person and their love of whatever it is.
I just... I don't want to be quiet anymore! I want to talk about the big questions. I want to THINK, I want to BE. I don't want to talk about who said what, and who did what. I want to BE. I want to find out more about myself and my friends, and even my enemies. I want to know why people think a certain way, and I want to know what it means to them. I want to love life because it is beautiful.
I want to be alive, experience life, and just BE.
I want the thirst and passion for life that I imagine I should have, especially with such a long winded post about it.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
come back round round round, you sun of a gun
Sometimes we get those random rush of emotions. The ones that just make us sit there and re-evaluate things. Once in a while for me at least they happen, and I just get this overwhelming sense that everything will turn out better than I expect. I don't think I appreciate it enough. We all have a hard time appreciating the things we have. We never appreciate it until it's gone.
I'm just really rambling for the most part, just need to get it out. However there are a few projects I'd like to work on, which will mean that hopefully I post more often.
I'm just really rambling for the most part, just need to get it out. However there are a few projects I'd like to work on, which will mean that hopefully I post more often.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
so i'll stay forever
It's pretty amazing what can happen in fifty days. I've been doing the Project 365, and I haven't missed a day yet. When I was sick for a straight week it was sure hard, but I kept up. At times I think I'm just taking the same picture over and over again, not doing anything interesting. But I keep at it. I'm trying to make them a bit more interesting by doing things with my friends, and I think it's working at spicing it up, but I still kind of have that sinking feeling that my 365 is just so boring. Doesn't mean I'll give up, but oh well.
Today I went on a walk by myself. No cellphone or a friend with me. Just my iPod, me, and some warm clothes. I went to the brow, and did the stairs, and came back. It was bloody cold out but doing the stairs warmed me up. I tried to take some good pictures, but unless I have a place to sit my camera down and have the aperture open long all I get are pictures like above. That one I purposely wiggled, but the ones I didn't just look stupid. I'm going to try and do the stairs more often, as well as take more walks. And go back onto weight watchers. Gotta get healthy. Speaking of that I need to get Poppa into swim-stuff so that his hip and knee get a bit of exercise too. And since he won't go alone, I know I'll be going with him too. So that will be nice. Even though what girl isn't subconscious about their body in a bathing suit?
Body issues are something I think no matter what I do I will ever be able to get over. Sure I can accept what I am, and in a way I believe I have accepted that, but it doesn't mean I am any more likely to absolutely love and embrace it. Perhaps the acceptance is more like an apathy, and that in itself is a pretty bad growing trend that the society is feeding into people. That apathy in any regard is just another thing.
Apathy isn't something anyone should embrace. This is your life, live it, or hate it, but don't just nothing it.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
find out what we're made of
In my haste of the last post, I forgot to realize exactly who I am. And really what life is about. It's not about the constant happiness. We need sadness in our lives to make us realize and appreciate what happiness truly is. We also need a bit of complacency too. It's hard to understand that in our lives, but I think growing up is about that.
Doesn't make it any easier.
Especially with the environments we're in. It's a world, and it's so complex, and beautiful, but at the same time it's a harsh and painful place. Our hearts and our minds are always conflicting with one another, and then we have what society perceives what we should be doing and how we should be feeling.
It's all complicated. But it's life, and we have to love it right?
Yesterday, I got a call from my Grammy down in the states, and I was told that my Grambo (great grandmother, who is a beast like Rambo) passed away. She had cancer and decided not to tell anyone. I wasn't as close with her like I was with my Nana, but I still loved her and knew her.
I was born into this world with 4 grandparents, and 4 great-grandparents. 8 amazing people who I love with all of my heart. I knew and know every one of them too. I love them, and they all raised me. I have 3 left now. While my Papaw may not be my birth-grandfather. And instead he's legally a step-grandpa, I don't care. I love him, and he makes my Grammy so happy. He's forever one of my grandparents.
Being left with 3 out of 8 is just... it hurts.
Especially since today makes it two months since I lost my Nana.
But I have amazing things in my life. My best friend Melissa, who is now called my heterolifemate! My twins Sara Heans who gave birth to the most special boy in the world, and Simon who is my British-self just being a boy instead. Then all of my other amazing friends. Andie, Caitlyn, Johna, Amelia, Julie, Holly, Jon, Aricca, Sarahx2, and David. Then on top of that I have the big man - Poppa. I love him more than I ever thought possible. I've got the crazy cats in this house, especially my Joplin, who wakes me up by laying on my face. I love all of these people, so fucking much. They mean so fucking much to me.
Doesn't make it any easier.
Especially with the environments we're in. It's a world, and it's so complex, and beautiful, but at the same time it's a harsh and painful place. Our hearts and our minds are always conflicting with one another, and then we have what society perceives what we should be doing and how we should be feeling.
It's all complicated. But it's life, and we have to love it right?
Yesterday, I got a call from my Grammy down in the states, and I was told that my Grambo (great grandmother, who is a beast like Rambo) passed away. She had cancer and decided not to tell anyone. I wasn't as close with her like I was with my Nana, but I still loved her and knew her.
I was born into this world with 4 grandparents, and 4 great-grandparents. 8 amazing people who I love with all of my heart. I knew and know every one of them too. I love them, and they all raised me. I have 3 left now. While my Papaw may not be my birth-grandfather. And instead he's legally a step-grandpa, I don't care. I love him, and he makes my Grammy so happy. He's forever one of my grandparents.
Being left with 3 out of 8 is just... it hurts.
Especially since today makes it two months since I lost my Nana.
But I have amazing things in my life. My best friend Melissa, who is now called my heterolifemate! My twins Sara Heans who gave birth to the most special boy in the world, and Simon who is my British-self just being a boy instead. Then all of my other amazing friends. Andie, Caitlyn, Johna, Amelia, Julie, Holly, Jon, Aricca, Sarahx2, and David. Then on top of that I have the big man - Poppa. I love him more than I ever thought possible. I've got the crazy cats in this house, especially my Joplin, who wakes me up by laying on my face. I love all of these people, so fucking much. They mean so fucking much to me.
Friday, January 14, 2011
this is my new mantra
I haven't been doing too many blog posts simply cause there hasn't been much to report. Even though that's kind of a lie. This week has been pretty big for me. I'm starting driving lessons this week, and I'm actually getting help for my dysthymia! This is just a big change in my life, and I am really happy about it. See that... Happy. A five letter word I rarely ever actually feel! But I feel it now, and boy I think it's not just cause of that, but damn well it's cause of music. Fuck yeah, it's cause of music!
Bif Naked's I Love Myself Today
I'm lookin' in the mirror and I like what I see:
I've lost the fear & the horror that's been eating at me
'Cause being with you is like a hangman's noose
I was living my life in dead man's shoes
I've had enough. Made up my mind
I'm gonna get up and out and wahhh!
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
I'm going to play it TWICE every day. Once in the morning when I wake up to get me ready for the day, and at night to make me pumped up that I had an awesome day. I also don't really consider the idea of 'being with you was like a hangman's noose' as being with a boy but rather my attitude, my beliefs, my sadness, the dark part of me that I know will always be with me, but needs to be ignored more often!
It's pumped me up, and I think it gave me the epiphany! THE epiphany. The one that I've kind of been waiting for. I don't know where this is going to take me, and I don't know how long it's going to last, but fuck it, I'M HAPPY!
TIME FOR SLEEP SO I CAN BE AWAKE AT A STUPID HOUR IN THE MORNING FOR IN CLASS DRIVING LESSONS.
(no one was high in the making of this post, i swear)
Bif Naked's I Love Myself Today
I'm lookin' in the mirror and I like what I see:
I've lost the fear & the horror that's been eating at me
'Cause being with you is like a hangman's noose
I was living my life in dead man's shoes
I've had enough. Made up my mind
I'm gonna get up and out and wahhh!
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool, I'm calm
I'm gonna be okay! Uh huh
I love myself today
Not like yesterday
Take another look at me now
I'm going to play it TWICE every day. Once in the morning when I wake up to get me ready for the day, and at night to make me pumped up that I had an awesome day. I also don't really consider the idea of 'being with you was like a hangman's noose' as being with a boy but rather my attitude, my beliefs, my sadness, the dark part of me that I know will always be with me, but needs to be ignored more often!
It's pumped me up, and I think it gave me the epiphany! THE epiphany. The one that I've kind of been waiting for. I don't know where this is going to take me, and I don't know how long it's going to last, but fuck it, I'M HAPPY!
TIME FOR SLEEP SO I CAN BE AWAKE AT A STUPID HOUR IN THE MORNING FOR IN CLASS DRIVING LESSONS.
(no one was high in the making of this post, i swear)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
stop crying your heart out
I've actually been working on this for about a half hour. Two different entries have come to my mind. I'm kind of going off the handle right here so bear with me please.
First of all I'd like to give my love to Anne of Green Gables, especially the movies from 1985 & 1987. They're not the child Anne specifically, and instead they focus on a teenage Anne. I thought the actress Megan Follows was amazing playing Anne. Both as a teenager, and as an adult. If ever you come across the movie (on youtube) I strongly suggest watching it.
Second of all, I wanted to tell this blog about the big shadow in the room. The one looming over everyone and lacing everything with awesomeness. I have a mood disorder. Dysthymia, it's a chronic mood disorder and at the moment I'm fighting with doctors to get it seen and get help with. I saw doctors in September, and this isn't a self-diagnosis. While the idea of them just slapping a name on it had seemed beneficial in the beginning, the fact that this Health System has done nothing to help me since is pretty discouraging. There is a long story about how Dysthymia has affected me, maybe one day I'll dedicate an entry about it. I would like to help others like myself, even if I can't even help myself. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do in life? Fight for mood disorders.
All of society looks at mood disorders so pathetically. A person with depression who can't even get out of bed - even with medication - calling into work has to make up a lie, otherwise if they told their coworkers it would be like 'calling in sad today'. It's an invisible illness that affects everything. It's an illness no one can physically see, and therefore can't really understand unless they've been in the same situation. Sure empathy and sympathy go a long way, and perhaps that's all a person needs, but true understanding comes with a terrible price. To understand means that someone has felt the ultimate and constant low of this disorder, and while that bonds us together forever in a sort of comrade in arms union, it also makes me sad. So very sad. Because no one should ever feel this seemingly endless pain. Even now, there are some who might read this and balk at my melodramatic writing. I don't blame you at all for it. In fact it's pretty easy to dismiss this all as some self-involved twenty-something's whining of the day. Absolutely reasonable too. In fact I still try to wrestle my thoughts apart. Trying to figure out if they're just my own selfish dreams, or if that is the disorder corrupting me. Because of this constant fight with the medical system, which has been going on for the better part of a full year and a half now - I have yet to figure out what thoughts are what.
Fighting the health board is hard. Doctors are swamped with needing patients. There are doctors who truly care, there are ones who never have, and then there are the ones who did but simply can't muster the strength to care anymore. When those authority figures are constantly playing phone tag with you, running you around in circles, making you so confused you don't know which way is up - it gets harder.
This was clearly a longer second thought than the first one. At this moment now, I am still considering erasing this and just talking about idle chattings about this or that. I'm kind of scared. While I haven't exactly been hiding my own issues with health, I haven't exactly been forthcoming about it either. Embarrassment, and a bit of being ashamed. Which is ridiculous... yet still persistent nevertheless.
It's still kind of funny how different today and yesterday's entries are. They still came from one song though.
First of all I'd like to give my love to Anne of Green Gables, especially the movies from 1985 & 1987. They're not the child Anne specifically, and instead they focus on a teenage Anne. I thought the actress Megan Follows was amazing playing Anne. Both as a teenager, and as an adult. If ever you come across the movie (on youtube) I strongly suggest watching it.
Second of all, I wanted to tell this blog about the big shadow in the room. The one looming over everyone and lacing everything with awesomeness. I have a mood disorder. Dysthymia, it's a chronic mood disorder and at the moment I'm fighting with doctors to get it seen and get help with. I saw doctors in September, and this isn't a self-diagnosis. While the idea of them just slapping a name on it had seemed beneficial in the beginning, the fact that this Health System has done nothing to help me since is pretty discouraging. There is a long story about how Dysthymia has affected me, maybe one day I'll dedicate an entry about it. I would like to help others like myself, even if I can't even help myself. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to do in life? Fight for mood disorders.
All of society looks at mood disorders so pathetically. A person with depression who can't even get out of bed - even with medication - calling into work has to make up a lie, otherwise if they told their coworkers it would be like 'calling in sad today'. It's an invisible illness that affects everything. It's an illness no one can physically see, and therefore can't really understand unless they've been in the same situation. Sure empathy and sympathy go a long way, and perhaps that's all a person needs, but true understanding comes with a terrible price. To understand means that someone has felt the ultimate and constant low of this disorder, and while that bonds us together forever in a sort of comrade in arms union, it also makes me sad. So very sad. Because no one should ever feel this seemingly endless pain. Even now, there are some who might read this and balk at my melodramatic writing. I don't blame you at all for it. In fact it's pretty easy to dismiss this all as some self-involved twenty-something's whining of the day. Absolutely reasonable too. In fact I still try to wrestle my thoughts apart. Trying to figure out if they're just my own selfish dreams, or if that is the disorder corrupting me. Because of this constant fight with the medical system, which has been going on for the better part of a full year and a half now - I have yet to figure out what thoughts are what.
Fighting the health board is hard. Doctors are swamped with needing patients. There are doctors who truly care, there are ones who never have, and then there are the ones who did but simply can't muster the strength to care anymore. When those authority figures are constantly playing phone tag with you, running you around in circles, making you so confused you don't know which way is up - it gets harder.
This was clearly a longer second thought than the first one. At this moment now, I am still considering erasing this and just talking about idle chattings about this or that. I'm kind of scared. While I haven't exactly been hiding my own issues with health, I haven't exactly been forthcoming about it either. Embarrassment, and a bit of being ashamed. Which is ridiculous... yet still persistent nevertheless.
It's still kind of funny how different today and yesterday's entries are. They still came from one song though.
Monday, January 3, 2011
all you need is love
Max California, Aricca, AriBeary, my 'cousin'. I love this woman forever. Known her for thousands of years it seems like now. She's been around since grade eight, and I think I am a better person for knowing her. She lives on the other side of the world, and I've never met her in person but we've had video-chats, long msn-conversations, and texts. I love the woman. Click here TO SEE HER FEATURED ON THE INTERWEBS. SHE'S FAMOUS.
Melissa. Missy, Mel, BITCH, my bfflz, my 'sister'. I'd like to think that in the past few months we've become closer than we ever were. Not to say that we weren't close. You accept all of my huge-flaws, and still come over and have dinner with me and my Poppa. You're the friend and sister everyone wishes they could have, and I'm so happy I do. :)
Sara! My Twin. JT lover. My dear friend. You scared the shit out of me when I first met you, it's amazing to now be your son's godmother. You make good babies. We've had one fight, and you're always there for me to listen to me, and just let me rant. I love listening to your ranting too.
Kristina. Kris-dash. You've always been an amazing support. Sure things may be pulling at us both and we may not be hanging out that much, I know that we're still going to be awesome friends forever.
Julie. I'd post your other Nicknames but they kind of involve your last name, and I don't want to do that. I'm glad that I went to college to now know you! We've got our club, and as lame as our club is, I think it works out for the both of us in the long run. You're a strong woman, and I respect you all the more for it. HAVE FUN IN CUBA THIS WEEK.
Not really a blog post, but kind of something to remind me to cherish what I have. I love these girls, and a bunch more. There are a few here that I didn't post simply cause I don't really have the drive to write anymore. Holly, Amelia, Jono, Sarahx2 (love you both), and so many more. Who knows if any of the mentioned above will even read this, but it really doesn't matter. I know they all understand and know how I love them.
Trying to take The Beatles into my heart and say 'LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED'. A simple concept, a hard application.
Melissa. Missy, Mel, BITCH, my bfflz, my 'sister'. I'd like to think that in the past few months we've become closer than we ever were. Not to say that we weren't close. You accept all of my huge-flaws, and still come over and have dinner with me and my Poppa. You're the friend and sister everyone wishes they could have, and I'm so happy I do. :)
Sara! My Twin. JT lover. My dear friend. You scared the shit out of me when I first met you, it's amazing to now be your son's godmother. You make good babies. We've had one fight, and you're always there for me to listen to me, and just let me rant. I love listening to your ranting too.
Kristina. Kris-dash. You've always been an amazing support. Sure things may be pulling at us both and we may not be hanging out that much, I know that we're still going to be awesome friends forever.
Julie. I'd post your other Nicknames but they kind of involve your last name, and I don't want to do that. I'm glad that I went to college to now know you! We've got our club, and as lame as our club is, I think it works out for the both of us in the long run. You're a strong woman, and I respect you all the more for it. HAVE FUN IN CUBA THIS WEEK.
Not really a blog post, but kind of something to remind me to cherish what I have. I love these girls, and a bunch more. There are a few here that I didn't post simply cause I don't really have the drive to write anymore. Holly, Amelia, Jono, Sarahx2 (love you both), and so many more. Who knows if any of the mentioned above will even read this, but it really doesn't matter. I know they all understand and know how I love them.
Trying to take The Beatles into my heart and say 'LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED'. A simple concept, a hard application.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
where were you when everything was falling apart
It's been really hard these past few weeks. Kinda tossed everything into a bowl, and I don't know how to put everything back together.
In the past while Christmas and New Years have both happened. Didn't do too much either time. Xmas Eve my friend came over and we made a big dinner for my Poppa, it was really actually pretty awesome.
We made Broccolli Cheese Soup, mashed potatos, corn, and roasted back bacon in ginger-ale.
For Christmas I went over to my parents and spent the day with them. Afterwards I went over to my godson's to go see him and make an appearance on his first Christmas. He's such a spoiled baby, he had so many toys.
From that nothing really momentous happened. New Years came and went without really causing a ruckus. I've never really cared for having a big NYE party or whatever. Melissa did drop by for a bit to ring in the year with me while we watched tv though. That was nice. :)
Today the beyotch came again. I see her more often than I did when I lived next door to her, it's awesome. We didn't do anything grand or for any big reason but we just made a roast dinner, and then played some Guitar Hero, and then some Super Nintendo. We're pretty gangster like that.
I try to keep myself busy, but I'm not really sure it's working. At the very least today with this blog-entry... Is the first time I've written anything since the 17th. I had written the memorial post to my Nana while she was in the hospital.
In the past while Christmas and New Years have both happened. Didn't do too much either time. Xmas Eve my friend came over and we made a big dinner for my Poppa, it was really actually pretty awesome.
We made Broccolli Cheese Soup, mashed potatos, corn, and roasted back bacon in ginger-ale.
For Christmas I went over to my parents and spent the day with them. Afterwards I went over to my godson's to go see him and make an appearance on his first Christmas. He's such a spoiled baby, he had so many toys.
From that nothing really momentous happened. New Years came and went without really causing a ruckus. I've never really cared for having a big NYE party or whatever. Melissa did drop by for a bit to ring in the year with me while we watched tv though. That was nice. :)
Today the beyotch came again. I see her more often than I did when I lived next door to her, it's awesome. We didn't do anything grand or for any big reason but we just made a roast dinner, and then played some Guitar Hero, and then some Super Nintendo. We're pretty gangster like that.
I try to keep myself busy, but I'm not really sure it's working. At the very least today with this blog-entry... Is the first time I've written anything since the 17th. I had written the memorial post to my Nana while she was in the hospital.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
i as i, not as we
December 17th, 2010 at 1pm Ruby Irene Farkas passed away in her sleep.
It was a half hour after I left the hospital with my Poppa, Uncles and Aunt. She was holding my mom's hand. Gave a tight squeeze, and then a deep breath in, and then exhaled and passed.
My Nana. She is the best Nana a person could have. She watched me grow up and showed me how to become the person I am today. Even through my mistakes she’s always accepted me and brought me back into those loving arms of hers.
I remember every day in the summer when we were kids she’d take my sister and I while my parents worked and took us to the pool made us lunch (Nana Tomato Sandwiches and Poppa Cucumber Salad are by far the best lunch a kid could ever have) – clearly this woman was a glutton for punishment by taking the two of us every day. However, she did have my mom, aunt and uncle so really we were probably a cake walk for her. She put everyone in front of herself. I’m going to miss talking about what to make for dinner as we eat breakfast. I’m going to miss the Ruby-Groove. I’m going to miss hearing about her winning at the casino or bingo. I’m going to miss watching Gossip Girl with her – oh yeah, she watched it with me and loved it.
There is one part of a song I think would work best. Not just from me to her, but I like to think from her to all of us too.
“To think I might not see those eyes,
makes it so hard not to cry.
And as we say our long goodbye, I nearly did.
Light up, as if you have a choice,
even if you cannot hear my voice,
I’ll be right beside you dear. “
I will always think of my Nana when I listen to Run by Snow Patrol.
What I find comforting is that so many people have been touched by her. There is no possible way that she will ever be forgotten. She was, is, and will constantly be a force in my life. No matter the situation. I am truly honoured to say that I am the first grand-daughter of Ruby Irene Farkas. I am viciously proud to say that she was my grand-mother – my perfect and amazing nana.
I truly do not know how I'm going to handle this. I miss her so much it hurts. My Poppa isn't doing too well either. I haven't left his side since we got the news yesterday.
The visitation is on Tuesday, what would've been her 74th birthday. Monday, my mom and I are going to go out and get some clothes for it. I really would like to wear a skirt cause I know she always wanted me to dress nice. I want to look really good for her. I'll wear heels too.
Tomorrow I'm going to do breakfast with a friend, and then see Tron in IMAX3D as well as some xmas shopping so we'll see how it goes.
It was a half hour after I left the hospital with my Poppa, Uncles and Aunt. She was holding my mom's hand. Gave a tight squeeze, and then a deep breath in, and then exhaled and passed.
My Nana. She is the best Nana a person could have. She watched me grow up and showed me how to become the person I am today. Even through my mistakes she’s always accepted me and brought me back into those loving arms of hers.
I remember every day in the summer when we were kids she’d take my sister and I while my parents worked and took us to the pool made us lunch (Nana Tomato Sandwiches and Poppa Cucumber Salad are by far the best lunch a kid could ever have) – clearly this woman was a glutton for punishment by taking the two of us every day. However, she did have my mom, aunt and uncle so really we were probably a cake walk for her. She put everyone in front of herself. I’m going to miss talking about what to make for dinner as we eat breakfast. I’m going to miss the Ruby-Groove. I’m going to miss hearing about her winning at the casino or bingo. I’m going to miss watching Gossip Girl with her – oh yeah, she watched it with me and loved it.
There is one part of a song I think would work best. Not just from me to her, but I like to think from her to all of us too.
“To think I might not see those eyes,
makes it so hard not to cry.
And as we say our long goodbye, I nearly did.
Light up, as if you have a choice,
even if you cannot hear my voice,
I’ll be right beside you dear. “
I will always think of my Nana when I listen to Run by Snow Patrol.
What I find comforting is that so many people have been touched by her. There is no possible way that she will ever be forgotten. She was, is, and will constantly be a force in my life. No matter the situation. I am truly honoured to say that I am the first grand-daughter of Ruby Irene Farkas. I am viciously proud to say that she was my grand-mother – my perfect and amazing nana.
I truly do not know how I'm going to handle this. I miss her so much it hurts. My Poppa isn't doing too well either. I haven't left his side since we got the news yesterday.
The visitation is on Tuesday, what would've been her 74th birthday. Monday, my mom and I are going to go out and get some clothes for it. I really would like to wear a skirt cause I know she always wanted me to dress nice. I want to look really good for her. I'll wear heels too.
Tomorrow I'm going to do breakfast with a friend, and then see Tron in IMAX3D as well as some xmas shopping so we'll see how it goes.
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